fear

i've seen too many unpredictables recently, and although i've always known, i became even more sure that nobody could ever predict what would happen to ur life in the next minute. you never know when ur world would be thrown upside down or shredded into pieces, and all this can happen in a matter of seconds. life is too fragile. i grow more fearful each day. every day is a day closer to the end of a loved one's life. especially those that are alr past their 50s, those that are physically weak, those that have the risk of inherited disorders and those that tire themselves out too much. that sounds so much like my parents (or rather my mum). the fact that i should do something only struck me when the chain of events happened a few months back. i was overwhelmed with guilt, and feeling desperate. i began to help her do the dishes and housework, which i never ever bothered myself with before. i decided that i had to do everything in my ability to prolong her lifespan. dont get me wrong, she's physically and emotionally fine right now, but im scared. what am i to do if she leaves all of a sudden, without any last words or so? today, i woke up only after she had left home, and came back when she was about to sleep. we exchanged only a few lines today. i was surfing the net a while ago when suddenly i remembered those events. what if, i mean, what IF she wasnt going to wake up after tonight (touch wood). i would blame myself for not having spent the last day with her today, and live in guilt forever. i wouldnt remember what was the last words we've said, or how the last moments with her felt like. if we didnt interact all day, my thoughts will go wild after she's gone to bed. i dont know, she's healthy, but im scared of all the what ifs. what if. those events had really left a deep impression, im not sure if its good because it makes me treasure her more, or bad because i have to live in fear (at least only in the night). To have loved and lost, or to never have loved. being closer would make departure hard, and its only a matter of time when this departure might be. but i guess the former would be better in this case, at least, the person u lost wouldnt feel the pain, but would depart with the wonderful memories u have given him/her. i'd rather live a day doing all my favourite things than to live a 100 days doing purposeless stuffs.