i really appreciate my mum's efforts in packing my table. she made it so neat, but i like my table messy. i like how the way i pack things or just throw stuff around. its messy but at least i know where my stuff are. its not that i dont like a neat table, just that i want to pack it myself so i know where all my stuff are.

she was so eager and excited to show me how she'd packed my table while i was out today. hated what i heard, but how could i tell her i didnt want her packing my stuff after looking at how happy she'd seemed. she must have hoped i would be happy to see such a tidy and pretty table. how could i make her feel disappointed and regretful of her actions? it was so sweet of her. i didnt tell her anything, but i hope she didnt get the wrong idea and starts packing my stuff whenever she's free /:

just some thoughts. and now moving on to rants.

i hate uni life. i hate having to check my email all the time, i hate being flooded by rubbish and having to filter everything myself. i hate that every email i miss might consist of something important, something graded. i hate how every single assignment is like a mini A lvl, i cant even slack and miss the deadlines or hand up slipshod work and get away with it like last time. even the 3+ hrs of travelling everyday cannot compare to this. yes i am dependent, i am a follower, i cannot do things by myself without asking around, without help. uni is forcing me to become independent, but its way to sudden. i know its a good thing, it'll help. all this class participation and presentations are forcing me to be confident in public speeches. its so pressurising for me because its graded and because i have major stage fright. because i have to rehearse the question i have in mind a few times before i can raise my hand to ask it. because my heart beats faster when i know i have to speak up. yes it will be useful for me in future but all this is too fast.

i look at the cheerleading team and wonder why i shouldnt be like them. not saying that they dont study or that i like cheer. what i meant was, why did i choose to prioritise studies so much instead of choosing to do something i enjoy, like them, able to afford to have 4hrs of training 3 times a week and having so much fun despite the workload. and those stories i heard, its not what i believe in but whatever, to them its just summarised into one word: fun. uni is not about studying, doing everything u can to build up a good portfolio. i want to just rot away from all this studying and enjoy life too, besides, the degree im aiming for isnt what i really like to do. i want to start a shop and sell food/clothes. thats what i like. but its impractical to go into it especially since im not rich and that i will be 'in danger of going jobless' every day that i dont hold a cert. there is no backup plan. i know all these logic. life is realistic. im just saying.

thanks for reading, im done venting. by the way, it'll be nice if u leave me a comment if u have words for me, even (and especially) if u are a stranger to me and just happen to chance by. u know, sometimes its nice to have anonymous ppl chatting with u. LOL.

on a side note, i feel we are drifting. its disappointing to know its u, because u were the one who once told me so sincerely that u wanted ur friends to stay, long-term. and u were the one who started to not care. u are a really nice girl and i dont want to lose this friendship.