i privated my blog for a long while, and now im finally able to make it public again, under the best circumstance that i've hoped for. and i think it's a good sign. i counted the posts i've deleted before reopening my blog... there's more than 20, in a span of less than 2 years. anw im glad that reopening my blog kind of forces me to quit "toxic" practices, and right now i just want to restore this to its intended purpose.

the intended purpose: it's a place for me to talk about things i kind of want people to know, but not really. if you know what i mean. for people like me who are insecure about ourselves, writing on a public blog gives us the false sense of assurance that someone out there is interested to hear us out and empathize with us. we will never figure out if it really happens though. but not like we would really want to know if anyone (or who) actually reads our stuff. the fact that you wont/cant know whether anyone reads makes this whole blogging thing different from simply telling ur friends. sometimes it's hard to directly tell people we know + it allows us to remain hopeful that at least there are (could be) people who care for us. it's like we want attention but we dont want to explicitly ask for it. words of affirmation that we get from time to time just dont make us feel... safe. in the case of my blog, it's not backlinked to any of my social media sites, which means nobody should even know of it, which also means that i can carry the false hope that my readers (if any) are people who care enough to stalk the shit out of me and eventually find this space. i can at least lie to myself that i am a human being of some importantance to anyone.

this is one big chunk of grammatical errors and bad sentence structures. my el really sucks lol

ok byeeeee