hello blog. and hello to whoever chances upon this. its been awhile... glad to say im not here because i feel sad or emotional about something. i just kinda found the words to describe something im guilty of, since a really long time ago. i dont rmb when i’ve started becoming like this, but i do rmb it hasnt always been like this. so. i think i come off as a heartless, aloof, and distant  to many people, and i think so because im (sub)consciously making myself act this way. wasnt because of an emotional trauma (i believe) but its my way of becoming comfortable with ppl. or rather, comfortable with myself around ppl. i tell myself that if i dont care about someone, then i can be whoever the hell i want, because i dont care about them and i dont care about what they think of me. i can be myself, and i dont have to worry about ppl judging me, being up to their standards, being likeable. i want to be close to someone, and i believe i can be if im comfortable with myself around them... and then i do it the wrong way. i try to be comfortable too soon, and the way is to tell myself “i dont care about them”. so i wont be conscientious of my words and actions and become awkward or stressed. im guilty of doing that, and sometimes that hurts people, and sometimes it pushes them away. when i joke about something thats borderline mean i feel like its a step to being closer becuase you only do that to your close friends right??? but i crave the comfort too soon, and end up overdoing it. then it pushes people away. ok as im typing this i realised i still have too limited vocab and descriptive writing skills to spell this out. anw tldr, i distant myself to feel close (comfortable), which is weird af but you geddit? idk whats wrong with me. after all these years i dont know whats the real me like anymore. i dont like to think about this because it makes me upset forgetting what my personality really is. i want to go back to when i was 13/14 y/o. immature but at least i was myself. a big part of this probably stemmed from low self confidence (hahah i know i dont look like i have low self esteem but those shameless  moments were my defense mechanisms). i have been avoiding this internally. but even if i wanted to do something about it there isnt really a concrete problem for me to face. there isnt really a trauma that i need to look past or an issue that i can correct. its just a reallll blurry issue that might not be an issue afterall.

sorry to the people that i’ve pushed away, or that i’ve given the impression of not giving a fk. wish all these people knew, that i actually would very much like to be the person they go to when they’re in need of help.

oh right theres the second part to this story. with the people im alr close to (friends from sec sch and ppl who somehow chose me despite my above issues) i still may come off distant because i STILL tell myself not to care. why? because i am emotional af and i cry v easily and i hate it so i drown out these feelings by telling myself not to care. yes i brainwash myself to be mean. what even. im horrible. i’ve gotten to used to this that i cant find myself back.

can ppl outrightly point it out when im being distant/mean so that i can make a mental note about it. and so i can stop doing it. this really sucks.

can somebody come and keep my grounded please.